Spanking, grounding, and yelling: Does old-fashioned discipline work?
Good Article on the discipline subject….not my favorite subject but hey every kid needs discipline right??? What are your thoughts on this?
Posted on BabyCenter.com here
Your kid mouths off for the umpteenth time, and you’ve had it. Gone are your lofty notions of teachable moments. You yell, “Go to your room!” Moments later, as the words echo in your ear, you realize with a shock: I’ve become my mother.
You’re not alone. The knee-jerk reaction when our kids misbehave is often to do exactly what we got as kids. The question is, do these old-school discipline tools stand the test of time?
We asked BabyCenter moms which of your parents’ techniques you’ve used. Then we turned to a panel of experts to find out which are worth keeping in the discipline tool kit and which should be tossed in the trash.
Spanking
According to a BabyCenter poll, 85 percent of you were spanked as kids, and 69 percent of you do the same to your own children. A typical comment: “I was spanked when I deserved it. I think it kept me in line, and I spank my 2-year-old, too.” Many parents say they only hit their child for downright dangerous behavior, like when a toddler runs into the street.
Some parents say a swat on the bottom is an effective discipline tool when all else fails — others call it child abuse. “I remember what I was wearing, how much she hit me, how I resisted, and the crying, pain, anger, and fear,” writes one mom. “I do not remember the lesson or the deed.”
What the experts say…
Toss it Spanking mostly shows that when you’re bigger than someone it’s okay to hit to show your anger or to hit to get your own way. The hurt, not the learning opportunity, becomes the message.
There are three good alternatives: isolation (like a time-out), deprivation (taking away a privilege), and reparation (where a child works to right a wrong before doing anything else). The goal is to get your child to think twice before making the same mistake.
— Carl Pickhardt, The Everything Parent’s Guide to Positive Discipline
Toss it Spanking is a temporary solution that does more harm than good. It “works” because it’s external control over a child, but it doesn’t promote internal decision-making. It simply teaches children to behave — or else. Spanking causes many children to focus on the punishment rather than on their poor decision.
Spanking also has side effects. It’s embarrassing, and that causes children to get angry or think about retaliation. Children who are frequently hit feel insecure. Many have poor self-esteem. Some withdraw. Others become excitable, overactive, and aggressive.
— Sal Severe, How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too!
Toss it How are we going to teach our children it’s not okay to hurt others when we keep hurting them? For 2- to 4-year-olds, lots of supervision along with distraction and redirection are better tools. All the spanking in the world won’t teach a child it isn’t safe to run into a busy street until he’s developmentally ready to learn that lesson.
Some children will push and push until they get a spanking and then settle down. They’ve been conditioned not to settle down or cooperate until they’re spanked. Instead, try holding a disobedient child firmly on your lap. No matter how much she struggles, don’t let go until she calms down or agrees to cooperate.
— Jane Nelsen, the Positive Discipline series
One Response to Spanking, grounding, and yelling: Does old-fashioned discipline work?
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When I read the comment by me, it doesn’t sound quite right to me and I wonder in which book I said it.
I can see that in some cases in might work, but in other cases it would just increase the power struggle. There are many other strategies I like better. 1) to simply validate a child’s feelings and then shut up and then provide “energetic support” while allowing the child to have his or her feelings until they dissapate. The long-term benefit is that children develop a sense of their own capability when they experience that they can work through their feelings.
2) Do the unexpected. Tell your child, “I need a hug.” Some will give you one right away. Others will continue their misbehavior. You can then say, “I would really liee a hug, Come find me when you are ready.” Then walk away. Some children will follow you right away. Others won’t, but they have an inner smile. They have learned that their misbehavior does’t “work,” and they feel encouraged and are less likely to continue the misbehavior.
3) Say, “We are having a power struggle. Would you like to put this problem on the family meeting agenda, or should I?”
There are many other possibilitites, but all are designed to be respectful to both the child and the parent and to teach valuable social and life skills. And, they all create a “connection before correction.”
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